Pain
by Guevera
Summary: It was his fault. She's gone because of him. He wished he was dead.


**Disclaimer:** I do notown any of the characters from Farscape.

**Author's Note: **My first Farscape fic! Woot! It's mostly angsty drabble, taking place inthe season 2 finale, "Die Me, Dichotomy". All from Crichton's POV. Pleaseread and reply!

**Spoilers: **BIG spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen the Farscape's season 2 finale, "Die Me, Dichotomy"

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"**Pain"**

It overcame him. It took control of him and threatened to send him insane. It took all this energy to stay in control, but he was on the verge of letting go.

The pain was one thing. It felt like a million daggers ripping through his body all at once.

But it was the constant visual reminders that there was another being inside his head, one that could take control of him at any moment, that really frightened him. He was no longer in control of his actions.

He was being taunted. It was if the Scorpius clone in his head wanted him to make mistakes, to think that he was in control when really, it was just another game. A sick, twisted game.

It was if he was _making_ him do these things. Forcing him to hurt those he cares about, all the while he is watching him. _Waiting._ Waiting for the moment when he would slip up, let his guard down.

Insanity would have been a better option.

He just wanted it to be over. To end it all.

_Anything._

Anything to dull the pain. The pain of being away from your family and your home. The pain of feeling alone.

The pain of losing the one you love.

She was gone. He knew that. But he didn't want to face it.

No matter how many times his friends tried to be there for him, show that they care, he just wanted to push them away. He knew they cared. But every time he looked at them he saw the pain they were too trying to cope with. They cared about Aeryn too – the Peacekeeper officer that came unexpectedly into their lives.

They trusted her.

She was hot headed and reckless at times; but she was also brave and loyal. Her Peacekeeper upbringing may have taught her to hide her emotions – a person could be compromised if they let their emotions get the better of them. She wasn't like that. At least before her and her Prowler ended up on Moya.

Now she was changed. Different. She had emotions.

She cared.

John Crichton had broken down her shield. And now it was his fault that she was gone.

The anguish built up inside of him, the pain of knowing that the knowledge he possessed in his brain resulted in the death of the woman he loved.

The knowledge was there, he knew that now. It meant that there was a chance he would be able to unlock it and find a way back home – to Earth. But it also meant that Scorpius would be even more determined to get the information for himself.

He had taken him over, invaded his mind and controlled his thoughts. He was everywhere. Everywhere he looked, he could see him, hear his taunts. Even when he didn't see him, he could sense his every move, every thought.

But he wasn't real. He was just a clone planted in John's head. No one else could see him or hear him. They couldn't hear his taunts, or his threats of death. Or worse, threats of life.

He would let him live, leave him lying on the table, defenceless, his mind open in more ways than one. His life flashed before his eyes, memories of his life on Earth, his life on Moya, and everything in between.

He saw flashes of his friends and family. Flashes of the Farscape mission. Flashes of wormholes. Flashes of Zhaan, D'Argo, Rygel, Stark, Pilot, Crais. And Scorpius.

He relived being in the Aurora chair, pain shooting through his body, being tortured for wormhole technology that he didn't even know was inside his brain. He wasn't hiding anything. But Scorpius thought he was, and wasn't willing to let John escape with the secrets of wormhole travel locked inside his brain.

If he had the chance, he would not let Scorpius get the wormhole technology he so desperately wanted. He would not put his friends and family in danger. Earth, in danger.

But then he thought of Aeryn.

He would have given it all up to have her back. To take back those moments when the chip Scorpius put in his head took control of him. He was screaming inside, powerless to stop the clone. And now Aeryn was in the firing line. He was responsible.

He thought back to when he and the others on Moya stood around Aeryn's casket. Her lifeless form and chalk-white skin giving John a constant reminder of what he had done. What he, may it be inadvertently, had done. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face; her long dark hair tapering her face. She was beautiful. He loved her.

He knew he would never be able to forgive himself for what had happened. Never be able to get the sound of Aeryn's voice calling his name as she was pulled under the icy waters.

Never forget her.

He stared up towards the heavens as he lay strapped to the operating table. The screams had long ceased, but still no one came.

He was alone.

And he wished he was dead.

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**Please comment! **


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